Two nights of bull, fighting that is

by David Grand
October 2, 2003

That's what the two successive nights of televised debates last week reminded me of: the first one, a face-off between five would-be replacements to California's Guv. Gray Davis; and the second one, featuring ten wannabe residents of the White House. And while neither came close to matching the spectacle and excitement of an actual bullfight, pitting a man (called a matador) against an enraged, charging bull, they were alike in some ways.

Built as he is like a bull, muscle-bound Arnold Schwarzenegger- gosh, I wished he'd shorten his name to Schwarz- was ideally suited for that role, with Arianna Huffington tailor-made for the part of the matador, wagging her sword- like tongue at Arnold as she did throughout the debate, the sharpest cut being when Arnold tried to shut her up in mid-sentence, to which she replied: "This is the way you treat women, we know that. But not now." What a low blow! But aware as he was of her fiery nature, I'm sure he wore a protective cup.

You could see his bulky shoulder muscles sagging from that cheap shot, but only momentarily, before coming back at her with an equally inane retort: "I just realized that I have a perfect part for you in "Terminator 4." What, is he already resigned to losing the election?

But to me, the image he tried to portray during the debate as being a strong-willed, fearless individual was shattered the next day, when he rejected out-of-hand the governor's challenge for a mano a mano debate, which made him look like that cowardly, flower-sniffing Ferdinand the bull.

At the second bullfight, I expected it wouldn't be nearly as raucous or captivating as the previous one, what with ten of 'em vying to get their messages heard, instead of having to settle for just spiting out sound bites and cute quips to gain attention. And it was obvious from the get-go that Howard Dean was Arnold's counterpart (albeit a less muscular bull), with Kerry and Gephardt taking turns playing the matador in an effort to wound him severely.

As regards everyone's performance: Kerry was his usual aloof self, viewing his rivals with disdain; Gephardt was, unlike heretofore, as energized as the Every-ready bunny, as he tried to overcome the perception many have of him as a hand-maiden to the trade unions; Liberman, while the most suave, remained on the defense most of the time for his pro war stance; Edwards' inexperience was most evident throughout the debate, even though his mop of hair rivaled Kerry's locks; Graham was a non-player, who acted as dejected as a whipped dog on a leash; Kucinich came across as being still "wet behind the ears," and looking about as youthful as when he became the mayor of Cleveland at the age of 21; Braun, the sole woman candidate, might as well stayed at home, given (as she rightfully complained) she was asked the fewest questions; and Sharpton, as he does in all of the debates, added much needed levity to the occasion.

The two men sharing the main spotlight, Dean and Clark, did a fairly good job of living up to their advance billings. Dean, while obviously shaken-up by the savage attacks from Kerry and Gephardt, was able to keep his cool and mount aggressive counterattacks, even though at times he could hardly refrain from baring his teeth like a yawing tiger. And Clark, the new kid on the block, appeared awed by it all, and as well rehearsed as a stand-in for a star in a Broadway show. But his calm demeanor helped dispel the reputation he has in the Pentagon, as being a publicity hound and vainglorious. Maybe so, but he couldn't hold a candle to generals Douglas MacArthur or George Patton in that respect.

To sum up my reaction to both debates in bullfighting terms, none of the matadors deserve to be awarded one or both of the bull's ears, or its ears and tail, as a crowd-pleasing matador receives. No one emerged as a clear winner, gained or lost any significant ground, or got gored or stomped on. They were good shows, but not worth what the price of a ticket would be to attend a real live, bloody bullfight. And that's no bull.