Playing political Ping-Pong

by David Grand
March 18, 2004

That recent photo of Kerry knocking a few shots on the Ping-Pong table following his speech challenging Bush to monthly debates was emblematic of the way he and Bush have been exchanging shots, ad nauseam.

And his handlers selecting Quincy , Illinois as the site for him throwing down the gauntlet was a stroke of genius. For that city had played host to the sixth of the seven debates between Lincoln and Stephen Douglas in 1858, with about 20,000 cheering onlookers. Plus, I'm sure that Kerry often being compared with Lincoln 's physical appearance (sans the beard) wasn't lost on 'em, either.

Of course most "thinking"people recognized his public challenge for what it was, a grandstanding gesture designed to portray Bush as being scared stiff of locking horns with him in a series of public debates on the main issues of the presidential race.

But Bush wasn't taking the bait and rightfully so. For he has a country to run and doesn't have the time to play point and counterpoint with his rival in each of the eight months preceding the election. Had he, that would've been as an unprecedented step for an incumbent president to take as was his deciding to personally mount a counterattack against Kerry, despite the advice of those in his inner circle to "lay low" and allow his surrogates to do the mudslinging.

But it's understandable while he came charging out of the gate like a snorting, rodeo bull, when he's been shot at and hit so many times both during and after the Democratic primary campaign he was beginning to resemble a piece of Swiss cheese. And his Texas pride wouldn't let him sit back and take it without retaliating.

Personally, I find their fighting like kids in a sandbox to be deliciously good fun to observe. Although I do wish Bush could explain his explanations for the war better, and stop strutting on the stage like a peacock; and that Kerry would refrain from dragging one of his former shipmates along at his public appearances, and quit rolling up his sleeves as if he came from a blue-collar background. And above all, they should stop the name-calling. For as Alexander Hamilton said, "No character, however upright, is a match for constantly reiterated attacks, however false."

And I fear, that if they keep going at it "hammer and tongs," it won't be long until their arsenal of barbs are exhausted and they possibly come down with a severe case of laryngitis. And if they did lose their voices, say, right before the three, scheduled debates in October who would stand in for 'em?

Kerry would have the advantage of picking someone from among his top rivals in the primaries who share his views on most issues and whose mettle has been tested under fire; while Bush would be hard pressed to find a suitable stand-in. Karl Rove, who does all of his brainstorming would be the logical choice. But since he hides out in the White House, and avoids being seen or speaking in public like a plague, he might collapse with stage fright at the thought of defending the president's positions before a worldwide audience. And Cheney, whose face would crack and fall on the floor if he ever smiled, would be the worst replacement. So by process of elimination, it would probably be "motor mouth" Rumsfeld upon whom that dubious honor would fall.

But no matter who'd be chosen, Bush could hold up a sign in front of the cameras before the debates get underway reading, "I approve of everything he says," a modification of what he now says before his political ads flash on the screen: "I George Bush approve this message." I don't know how "that'd play in Peoria ."

One thing for sure, it's going to be a rip-roaring next eight months with both sides primed to score the winning touchdown. And it'll be interesting to see if the election will go as two humorists once remarked about the two parties: The Republican Party, said Will Rogers, "have a habit of having three bad years and one good one, and the good one always happens to be election year." And the Democrat Party, as Ben "Pitchfork" Tillman said, "can always be relied on to make a damn fool of itself at a critical time in the election." I "Roger" that .