So much for civility

by David Grand
July 1, 2004

You could've knocked me over with a feather in reading of that X-rated insult (beginning with the letter "F") that Vice President Dick Chaney hurled at Vermont Democrat Patrick J. Leahy on the floor of the Senate, which outburst was, I understand, ignited by Leahy's probing question concerning his public activities and his continuing connections, if any, with the Halliburton Corp. that he formerly headed.

For one who is usually as calm and composed as a cud-chewing cow, his temper tantrum was as out of place as an atheist in a seminary, and unbecoming for one who holds the second highest office in the land. Apparently, however, he believes as Eric Hubbard said, "if you can't answer a man's argument, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names." (Class act that Leahy is, his only comment was that Cheney must be having a bad day.)

There are, of course, many ways to cope with someone who gets under your skin, as Leahy obviously did his, without resorting to using four-letter words. The best way I've found, other than just shrugging it off or walking away, is to respond with a humorous retort. Some of my favorite examples of that are:

• Anonymous actress: I enjoyed your book (Ilka Chase). Who wrote it for you? I'm so glad you liked it. Who read it to you?
• Lady Astor: Winston (Churchill) If I were married to you, I'd put poison in your coffee. If you were my wife, I'd gladly drink it.
• Anonymous singer: You know, my dear (Miriam Hopkins), I insured my voice for fifty-thousand dollars. That's wonderful. And what did you do with the money?
• George Gershwin: If you had to do it all over again, would you (Oscar Levant) fall in love with yourself again? Why don't you play us a medley of your hit!
• Clare Booth Luce (on coming to a door with Dorothy Parker): Age before beauty. No, pearls before swine.
• Lewis Morris (on being overlooked for a poet laureateship): It's a conspiracy of silence against me. What would you (Oscar Wilde) do if you were me? Join it!
• Lord Sandwich: Really, Mr. Wilkes, I don't know whether you'll die on the gallows or of the pox. That depends, my Lord, whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.   
• Tallulah Bankhead: How lucky you (Lynne Fontaine) are to be married to Alfred Lunt. His directing, his acting, his theater sense. Where would you be without him? Probably reduced to playing your roles.
• Anonymous writer: Last week you (George Latimer) rejected my story unread. I know you didn't read it for, as a test, I'd pasted together pages 15 thru 17 and they were in that same condition upon its return. Madam, at breakfast when I open an egg, I don't have to eat the whole egg to know it's bad.  
• Winston Churchill: I venture to say that my Right Honorable friend (Lady Astor) knows nothing of farming. I'll even bet that she doesn't know how many toes a pig has. Oh, yes I do! Take off your little shoesies and have a look.  

Now, well before Chaney made a complete ass of himself on the "Hill," I was getting ready to write him and tell him to get off his high horse and quit treating us as if we were mushrooms, keeping us in the dark and throwing manure at us (notice I didn't use the "S" word). But I've decided not to, for no doubt he'd tell me the same thing he told Leahy, maybe twice over.