Grand's 2003 awards

by David Grand
January 8, 2004

Here are my top awards for 2003, which due to space limitations I've held to 10. So away we go with a drum roll. (I couldn't afford hiring trumpeters, too.)
Dreaming the impossible dream award. And the winner is Doctor Dean, who believes he can steer his medicine wagon (full of cure-alls for what ails the country) all the way to the White House. Only if Bush resigned before November to fly a jet in Iraq could his dream become reality.  And his bloody defeat could match Mondale's and McGovern's blood baths. At least that's what my Ouija board tells me.

Waiting in the wings award. No competition for Hillary, who's content to lay low until 2008 when she'll go mano a mano most likely with Gore in the primaries, and with Jeb Bush, the obvious heir apparent, in the general election. (Remember you heard it here first.) Meanwhile, she should work on improving her image among homemakers by letting Martha Stewart- who at least for now has a lot of "free" time- give her some cookie recipes.

Back stabber award. Al Gore was also an easy selection, by his not giving his former running mate a heads-up before coming out four-square for Dean. At least Caesar knew a few seconds before that Brutus was about to stab him when he nodded his head in response to being asked: "Et tu Brute?"     

Poorest run campaigns.   Sorry, I couldn't choose a winner between Gray Davis, who has about as much charisma as a cigar store Indian; and that windy, war hero John Kerry, the early on front-runner who is now sucking wind and who could be the campaign's Ed Muskie. So we'll call it a tie.

Two-faced award. That goes to Rush Limbaugh, who bought enough pain pills (illegally) to put a whole herd of elephants in the twilight zone. But finishing a close second was that preacher of family values/gambling addict William Bennett, who made a lie out of what Las Vegas boasts of in their ads: "What happens here stays here."

Power behind the throne award. Karl Rove, the president's political strategist and confidant wins handily. For no one- Ashcroft, Rumsfeld, Powell or Condi Rice-has Bush's ear or ready access to the Oval Office as he does. And without Rove at his side, he'd be as lost as that dummy Charlie McCarthy would've been without Edgar Bergen. (Not that I'm inferring Bush is a dummy.)

Goofy ideas award. The winner is that group of Reagan's worshippers who are pushing to substitute his face for FDR's on the dime. An admirer of FDR as Reagan always was, he'd be the last person to encourage such a harebrained idea.That's as far-fetched as when they tried to have his face chiseled on Mount Rushmore (even though he'd be the best looking of the bunch.)

Most sensible position award. Of all people, it was that neoconservative Newt Gingrich that I selected, based on his arguing that "the U.S. went off a cliff in Iraq;" and that the "real key is not how many enemy we kill but how many allies do we grow, a very important metric that they (the 'Bushies') don't get." As a member of the Defense Policy Board, which meets regularly with Rumsfeld, his words should be taken to heart.

Putting one's foot in his mouth award. That's awarded to Governor Arnold whats-his-name for saying on a radio program, "I think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and woman." But regardless of such blunders in speaking, he's still a shining star in the Republican Party, although his star could dim or die overnight because of his proposed draconian, budget cuts.

Bravest of the brave award . The clear winners are our soldiers in Iraq, who are the only Americans asked to sacrifice anything after 9/11; and who "walk the walk" not "talk the walk" like those warmongers Dick Cheney, who oversold the war, and its loudest cheerleader Paul Wolfowitz, who convinced Washington Saddam posed an "imminent threat." That bears out what I've always felt, that there are no warlike people-just warlike leaders.