Looks like a real prizefight after all

by David Grand
February 19, 2003

Now that Kerry's star is shining as brightly as the North Star, with Dean's having faded from view overnight, he looks like a shoo-in to be his party's nominee, unless he does something really stupid between now and the convention like being caught in bed with a dead woman or live boy.
I sure hope not, for those three debates between him and Bush before the election could be as exciting to watch as a three-ring circus; or as boring as watching a flea circus. In either event, there will be a worldwide audience glued to their boob tubes cheering for their champion as they munch on piles of goodies.

To draw an analogy with boxing, I'd expect them to come out swinging from the opening bell, and make previous presidential debates look like they were playing pattycake. And don't expect them to observe the Queensberry rules of boxing. Although I'm sure neither would stoop so low as to attempt to bite the other's ear off as Tyson did to Holyfield in their 1996 championship bout.
Naturally, each would do their utmost to look presidential as they enter the ring, knowing that their every word, expression and gesture will be scrutinized, analyzed and dissected a thousand times over by political pundits. To make a good, initial impression, Kerry would do well to wear a stovepipe hat into the ring so as to more closely resemble Lincoln, and a big button with his initials JFK on it to evoke memories of the first JFK; and Bush wearing high-heeled boots, a six-shooter (unloaded) and a ten-gallon hat to appear as a smaller version of his hero John Wayne, and a picture of his Scottie Barney on his lapel to appeal to animal lovers.

And from what I know of their physical condition, it's a toss-up as to who'd be in the best fighting form. I know Bush runs everyday and keeps fit by clearing out the brush at his ranch; while Kerry likes to sneak in a game of hockey whenever he can, and has shaken so many hands on the campaign trail his fists must be like balls of steel.

Kerry of course had the decided advantage over Bush in height and reach, and his strategy would undoubtedly be to keep Bush off balance and wear him down with a barrage of jabs, waiting to smash him with a haymaker when he drops his guard. Bush, on the other hand, will be forced to fight defensively, keep dancing around and trying to pin Kerry against the ropes to weaken him with body punches and uppercuts to hopefully knock him on his derriere. (But since neither possess a knockout punch, the bouts should go the full distance and be decided based on who accumulates the most telling points over the course of the three matches.)

My biggest concern, however, is what kind of shenanigans those in Bush's corner might try to do to ensure he doesn't have to turn over that jewel-studded, championship belt to Kerry. Would Karl Rove and Dick Chaney go so far as to put sedatives or knockout pills in Kerry's water bottle? Not likely, but I wouldn't put it past 'em, believing as they do that "the ends always justify the means."

And equally troublesome is who would be selected as an unbiased referee, one who wouldn't hesitate to take points or a round away for a head butt, a rabbit punch and low blows (a la Bush sniping at Kerry for opposing a constitutional ban on gay marriages, and Kerry retaliating by bringing up Bush's "spotty" service record). I guess we'll just have to rely on the moderator of the debates to keep them in line, impossible as that task may well be.

If I had to predict who'll be the winner in the debates, I'd say Kerry would win in a split decision. But by as few, or fewer, points on the viewer's scorecards as Gore lost to Bush by in electoral votes (271 to 266), that is unless the U.S. Supreme Court reverses the outcome on appeal.

Here's a tip from an old investigator that might add to your viewing pleasure during the debates. Keep a running tab on the number of times their eyes turn to the left in responding to direct questions, which is often an indication that they're lying through their teeth. You might also use that as an aid in judging the truthfulness of what candidates in local elections promise to do at forums. But please don't try it with your spouse or children. For I'd feel indirectly responsible for what may follow after you catch 'em lying.