They'll need to eat"

by David Grand
August 26, 2004

I've never been to the "Big Apple," nor had any desire to. For next to Texans, with their bragging mouths as big as the state's size, New Yorkers annoy me about as much with their know-it-all attitude, and their viewing everyone that lives elsewhere as hillbillies.  But I do profess to having a sentimental attachment to the Empire State Building, which opened its doors for the first time on the same day that the Lord brought me forth onto the Earth (with my parents assistance). Though I doubt it was timed to honor that blessed event.

That, however, isn't the magnetic attraction that's tempting me to go there during the convention week, starting August 29. It'd be a chance for me to take a big bite out of that shiny apple in the form of discounts the city is offering to "peaceful political activists" at select hotels, theaters, museums, stores and restaurants. And my playing the role of a protester wouldn't pose any difficulty, since I've worn many false faces in my lifetime.

From what I've read, I'd be entitled, at discounted prices, to visit the Whitney Museum, the Museum of Sex, shop at the Pokemon Center Store and Kroll's Office Products (where I'd also be given a free magic marker), eat at Miss Mamie's Spoonbread Too, at MacDonalds and Applebee's, and sleep at a fancy hotel. (Given that reservations at restaurants and hotels for that week are currently half of what was expected, I guess that's a practical way to ensure they're full-booked.

While that's basically the same discount package being offered to the delegates, there's one exception: they won't be eligible to receive $5 off the admission price at the Museum of Sex, not that they'd go there even if it was free, or were drunk out of their minds. Why is it, I've often wondered, that Republicans tend to be more moralistic than Democrats? Must have something to do with their diet.

And all I would have to do to take advantage of those bargains is wear a button (issued by the tourism office at one of its Midtown locations) bearing a cartoon depiction of the Statue of Liberty proclaiming the wearer to be a "Peaceful Political Activist." To qualify for one, I'd have only to promise to behave in an orderly fashion at the protest rallies, not be a troublemaker, scream epithets at those attending the convention, and not trample or relieve myself on the grass at Central Park, aka "The Green Lawn." They'd be easy rules to follow. For I'm always on my best behavior in public, and would never think of messing up anyone else's lawn.

Personally, I think the city, at the GOP's insistence, is overreacting to the very remote possibility of the protests becoming as unruly and violent as they did at the 1968 Democratic convention in Chicago. But overreaction to possible threats is not uncommon to Republicans at the highest level of government. (Now, if you think I was alluding to the president given the green light to launching a preemptive invasion of Iraq, well congratulations, for you've just won a stuffed, pink elephant!

But seriously, let's hope the mayor's plan for buying the protesters cooperation in exchange for their holding peaceful demonstrations will be met by other than guffaws from protest groups. But as the mayor optimistically says, "they'll need to eat after walking around in their sneakers all day."       And when asked what will prevent those with evil intentions, like anarchists and terrorists, from getting a button, his answer simply is: "we can't stop 'em, but I doubt any of them would want to wear one." Right on, mayor. They're not that clever.

If I do decide to go there, provided I can find someone to dog-sit for a week, I'll bring back a suitcase full of some of the "goodies" I picked up that'd I'd be glad to sell you, at huge discounts. Even if you look suspiciously like someone who might be prone to committing acts of violence.