A parody on calling the White House

by David Grand
March 26, 2008

The source of it is unknown, but whoever he or she was must've been inspired by Hillary's "3 a.m." ad, designed to send chills up your spine at the prospect of one's children dying if she wasn't the one to pick up the phone when a crisis occurs somewhere in the world, demanding the president's immediate action.

Whatever time of the day you may call the White House to comment on some issue (202-456-1111) or switchboard (202-456-1414) you'll hear the following recorded statement: "Thank you for calling the White House; our new voice activated system will help direct you to the proper office."

'If you're calling to complain about the mishandling of the war in Iraq, press 1 and the information office in the Pentagon will respond ASAP, but no later than 90 days."

"If you're calling to complain about illegal spying on American citizens and the abuse of FISA laws, press 2, but be aware these calls will be recorded by the NSA."

"If you're calling to complain about the disastrous mismanagement of the hurricane Katrina recovery, press 3, and your call will be directed to FEMA; but if you wait for more than 48 hours without anyone picking up the phone, hang-up and send a letter (we've been told all letters will receive a prompt response within one year)."

"If you're calling to complain regarding the administration's unwillingness to enforce current immigration law, press cuatro ,  por favor; or to convey your appreciation for being lax in its enforcement, contact your local chamber of commerce, who can inform you where you may find illegal day laborers in your area."

"If you're calling about the Medicare prescription debacle, press 5; but if you're having a medical emergency, proceed directly to an emergency room, though please understand that your health coverage may not pay for the visit and that you can no longer get out from paying the bill by declaring bankruptcy."

"If you're calling to express concern about global warming, press 6, unless you are a environmental research scientist, in which case your call will be redirected  to the oil company we hired, EXXON MOBIL, to screen and edit your research."

"If you're calling about the need for more prayers in public schools, or any other faith-based initiatives, press 7 and Reverend Pat Robertson will contact you when he finds time between his daily 700 Club shows.

"If you're calling about the ballooning federal deficit or the recent hike in the debt ceiling to $3 trillion, press 8, and the Secretary of the Treasury (or one of his underlings)  will be glad to explain to you why it's only a temporary situation, which will be squared away by the time your great, great, grand children are born.

"If you're calling to lobby for more Supreme Court Justices who will block a woman's right to choose, your call will be transferred to Justice Antonin Scalia or his alter ego, Justice Clarence Thomas.

"Press zero if you'd like to hear these options again; and if not, thank you for calling the White House--it's our pleasure to serve you."

As a footnote, one might wonder what would happen if it was John McCain who was called on the "infamous" Red Phone in the White House at 3 a. m? Would he pick it up before it rang six times (as it did in Hillary's ad); would he ignore it and cover his head with a pillow; or would he yell into the phone "nuke 'em," even before the caller was able to describe where and what the crisis was? A good question, isn't it?