'Your cussing in the gym will cost ya $103, kid'

by David Grand
March 1, 2006

That's the steep fine students in a school district in Hartford, Conn. will have to pay for uttering profanities on school premises. And to serve as a reminder, they must pledge not to swear during "Profanity Awareness Week" and wear bracelets that read: "Think before you speak."

Pshaw! That'll be about as effective of a deterrent in stopping their cursing as would having them wear bracelets reading: "Think before you lite up"--"Think before you try dope"--"Think before you drink"--"Think before you have unsafe sex."  (Better to wash their mouths out with soap--it cured me.)

Now, I've always tried to heed Mark Twain's advice: "When angry, count to four; and when very angry, swear." And I also agree with what Peter Finley Dunn's fictional character Mr. Dooley said about swearing: "Th' best thing about a little judidyous swearing' is that it keeps th' temper, and 'twas intinded as a compromise between runnin' away and fightin'."  

Researchers, who study the evolution of language and the psychology of swearing, say that cursing is universal. And that every language, dialect or patois ever studied (spoken by millions or by a small tribe) have its share of forbidden words, many of which are euphemistic variants on comedian George Carlin's list of the seven dirty words (of the 400,000 words in the English language) that are not supposed to be uttered on radio or television, that is, unless spoken on HBO as he does.

How often do you swear? was the question asked in a poll, with the following responses: 35 percent "all the time," 31 percent "seldom," 26 percent "only when angry," 5 percent "just in social settings," and 3 percent "never." ( I don't know anyone in that last group, nor care to.)

But it'd be more meaningful, if further broken down by where most cussing occurs. For instance, at construction sites, factories, inner-city bars, sporting events and military bases, you'll hear more cussing in one hour than you'd hear in months in a business or office environment. That's not to say, however, that its employees don't feel like swearing when angry; it's just that they know they'd better do it under their breath and wait until they get home to cuss out loud.

Politicians sure aren't adverse to swearing when riled. Truman and LBJ were the best swearers we've had in the White House. And from what I've heard on Nixon's tapes, the vulgarities he spit out would put him close to the top.

Vice President Dick "trigger happy" Cheney is no piker, either, when it comes to using vulgar words, a la his telling Sen. Patrick Leahy to "go f...yourself," after Leahy had grilled him during a committee hearing in 2004 regarding his continuing connections, if any, with the Haliburton Corp. he'd headed. He must believe as Eric Hubbard said, "If you can't answer a man's argument, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names."

Among professional athletes, swearing is as common as sweating. Super golfer Tiger Woods often uses the f-word to express his anger when hitting a bad shot. But he's been saying it for the last ten years on tour; and if he ever stopped doing it, I'd worry he was losing his enthusiasm for the game.

Journalists also occasionally lose their cool on TV, as columnist Robert Novak did, who was suspended by CNN for saying "bull----" as he stormed off the set of CNN's "Inside Politics."

That's as silly as some ABC's affiliates refusing to air the Academy award-winning movie "Saving Private Ryan" on Nov. 11, 2004 (citing indecency reasons), albeit they'd aired it when ABC ran it (unedited) on Veterans Day in 2001 and 2002. As I said then in a column, "Screw 'em, twice over."