A full house in the theater of the absurd

by David Grand
June 20, 2007

Little wonder, what with the series of absurdities that have dominated the media lately.     

On center stage, where I fear she'll remain until she's either carried off in a straight jacket or loses her girlish figure, is that living Barbie doll, Paris Hilton, who was born into a fortune and who regards the world as her oyster (one with a pearl inside of course).

And if anyone is so naive as to believe that her short stay in the hoosegow--where she's devoid of makeup, forced to eat unappetizing grub, has to wear that ugly, jailhouse outfit and go potty on that cold, metal seat--will somehow transform her into a refined young lady who'll forsake her nightly partying for a more tranquil existence after she's released must also believe that global warming is a far-fetched theory concocted by some madcap scientists.

Her dad obviously doesn't harbor that illusion, having already arranged for a coming-out party for her in Las Vegas to celebrate her freedom from captivity, where she suffered from ADD (attention deficit disorder). At $50,000 a pop to attend that glorious event, I think I'll pass it up, unless the publisher of the Eagle is willing to foot the bill.

Incidentally, I had to check my medical dictionary to see what that disorder involved and found that it fitted her to a tee: a syndrome of disordered and disruptive behavior, characterized primarily by symptoms of inattentiveness, hyperactivity and impulsive behavior.

Other little known individuals that apparently have that same disorder, whose actions were so bizarre that when I read about 'em my eyes spun like discs on a slot machine, were:

• A mom paying $1,300 for tanning sessions for her 4th-grader, so she can look like Lindsay Lohan in her school picture. What, not like Paris?
• A veterinarian punching a five-pound Chihuahua so hard (five times) that it dislodged the dog's eye. He was arrested and charged with animal cruelty, while the dog had to undergo corrective surgery. If he dared to do that to, say, a Rottweiler or Mastiff, he would've been on the operating table, if not in the morgue.
• A woman gussies  up road-kills by dressing them in pet or human baby clothes and painting their claws with nail polish, as her way of paying homage to their departed souls. Deer she covers with gold paint. She better be well off the side of the road when doing it, lest she be covered in a body bag.
• A judge presses $54 million lawsuit against dry cleaner over a pair of missing pants. Talk about ruthlessly abusing the legal system and causing undo mental anguish for a hardworking mom-and-pop business. Hope the judge in the case not only dismisses his frivolous lawsuit but orders him to walk in front of the cleaner in his skivvies for a day.

But not all the recent news is outlandish. For while gas prices are up, there's something a little cheaper these days. Donors to Republican fund-raisers can now have a photo taken with President Bush for a mere $5,000, a bargain compared with the $25,000 photo-op Bush commanded in 2000 and 2004. As for me, I'd gladly cough up $100 of a photo of him climbing aboard the helicopter whisking him out-of-town for the last time.