Wanna feel like canned sardines: go to the Inaugural

by David Grand
December 31, 2008

If you're among those who are willing to brave the bitter cold and join the flood of people coming from near and far to attend the Presidential Inauguration, you'll quickly find out what it's like being engulfed in a sea of human flesh, with standing room only (in some instances with only breathing room).

It is conservatively estimated that there'll be up to 1.5 million people present to witness the swearing-in of the first African-American president, surpassing the 1.2 million mark for President Lyndon B. Johnson's inaugural in 1965.

For those who aren't lucky enough to have a close up view of the ceremonies, the National Park Service (NPS) has been making preparations to accommodate the hundreds of thousands who will see them from a distance, but from how far of a distance has yet to be determined. And for sure, there'll be more tree climbers than in a Tarzan movie, and broken bones to boot.

A very practical problem the NPS has is providing enough portable potties to meet the demands of those answering mother nature's call. (For those plagued with urinary incontinence (UI), you better bring along an empty milk carton.)

Now, when it comes to getting tickets to the Inaugural ceremonies, they'll be as scarce as eunuchs' whiskers. And the old adage, caveat emptor ("let the buyer beware"), surely applies to those offered tickets to the ceremonies by ticket brokers on web sites at outrageous prices, a la 500 to 1,000 dollars for spots along the parade route, and thousands for standing room areas on the National Mall.

Brokers are banking on their ability to buy tickets (they don't presently have) from Capital Hill employees and those who get 'em from members of Congress, at much lower prices than what theyd charge.

Organizers of the inauguration have said, that "it's a violation of Congress' code of ethics for staff members to sell their tickets. Fat chance of enforcing it.

And they indicated  that the 250,000 tickets printed so far are being kept in a locked room at an unidentified location; that they are supposed to be free for the public, and that they won't be released for distribution by both Senators and Representatives in less than a week before the inauguration.

I hope that armed guards will also be posted outside of that room around-the-clock. For if the tickets were stolen, their value in the marketplace would make the $1,234,000 in cash taken in the 1950 Brink's robbery look like chump change.

In closing, you may rest assured that the inaugural proceedings will go off like clockwork, won't be canceled by bad weather, or be disrupted by unruly behavior on the part of individuals or groups. And there'll be not even a hint of the bedlam that ensued at President Andrew Jackson's inaugural in 1801, with wild crowds stampeding into the White House and leaving it in shambles.

As reported by an eyewitness, "President Jackson, after having literally nearly pressed to death against a wall and his clothing tore to pieces by people in their eagerness to shake hands with Old Hickory, was finally able to escape through a back door...." (No doubt, but that their ruckus behavior was heightened by the jugs of whiskey that the mountain men of Tennessee poured into the punch bowls.)