If at first you don't succeed, get down and dirty

by David Grand
August 30, 2006

That's apparently the rallying cry of those sore losers who've never recovered from their candidates getting swamped in the last commissioner's race; but who, undaunted, are striving mightily to stage a comeback for the pro-growth team (a.k.a. Haines' Hellions).

As before, their lineup consists mainly of the nine members of the Republican Central Committee (RCC), along with a promising rookie they picked up from the bush league: commissioner candidate Mike Zimmer, a highly-touted, spit-ball pitcher, who's not above throwing bean-balls when irritated.

Their first game was against commish Perry Jones' Juggernauts. But much to their chagrin, they were "whitewashed." It may have been a closer game, if the umpire (a Democrat, who was chosen because he  didn't give a rat's ass who won) hadn't thrown Zimmer out of the game for wetting the ball with sweat from his armpit.

And he also gave their manager, Larry "the silver fox" Haines, the heave-ho for screaming epithets in his face, while arguing the game should've been played away from the Jones' team home turf, where they'd have a better chance of beating 'em. (His loyal fans—Joe Getty and Jim Harris—appealed the ump's decision to the Maryland Supreme Court and struck out.)

As a result of that humiliating defeat, they decided (wisely so) to forego taking on the other two commissioner's teams; and, instead, to lower their sights by going after the reigning champions in the South Carroll league, Del. Susan Krebs' Koala Bears (with most members of the state delegation urging 'em on).

However, hard as they tried to rattle Krebs on the pitcher's mound, by taunting her about her girlie-like windup, her rocket fastball had them swinging at the air, and with nothing but "goose eggs" on the visitor's scoreboard.

In an act of desperation, they displayed a sign above their dugout reading: "Krebs is a Rhino (Republican in name only) by voting for an increase in the transfer tax." 

Though much to their disappointment, she only smiled, a wry smile, as she continued to mow 'em down each inning. But not so the majority of South Carrollians in the stands, who booed loudly for their pulling that stinking "red herring" from the bottom of their bag of "dirty tricks."

For the truth of the matter is, that what she voted for--along with Del. Donald Elliott and Sen. David Brinkley--was the enabling legislation that would give the Board the authority to raise that tax by one percent, contingent upon them putting a cap of 5 percent on the property tax, a quid pro quo which the commissioners accepted.

But not surprisingly, that reasonable compromise still didn't placate Haines (a large realtor in the county), who refused to budge in his opposition to any increase in the transfer tax, however slight.

Moreover, that he didn't recluse himself from voting on the proposed bill because of his obvious conflict of interests will forever more stain his image in the minds of many voters, as well as that of the delegation as a whole for not challenging him.

So, those candidates who continue to blame the commishes for not lowering the property tax from 7 to 5 percent should, if they're even half as truthful and candid as they claim to be in their literature and speeches, publicly acknowledge that they'd "pinned the tail on the wrong donkey" (pun intended). But alas, I don't doubt there'll be peace in the Middle East before that happens.